Does this sound familiar? You meet someone. Maybe you go on some dates. Or you’ve made a new friend. Things are going well. But, when things start going too well, and you get too close, the inevitable happens. You push that person away. You may want to connect further, but your fears of putting yourself out there and being vulnerable get in the way. If you can relate, you may be afraid of intimacy.
What It Means to Be Afraid of Intimacy
Sure, it can be intimidating at times to get to know someone. It takes trust, vulnerability, and the possibility of rejection, whether that’s developing a deep friendship or a romantic relationship. These apprehensions are common. But for some, this fear of intimacy can be paralyzing. More specifically, you may be afraid of a certain type of intimacy, such as:
- Emotional intimacy: Sharing your deep, personal feelings with others
- Spiritual intimacy: Relating to someone else based on mutual beliefs in a higher power
- Sexual intimacy: Connecting with someone physically, sensually, and sexually
- Experiential intimacy: Relating to someone over a common interest, hobby, or shared experience
- Intellectual intimacy: Connecting with someone through sharing your thoughts and ideas
For many people who are afraid of intimacy, it’s usually centered around emotional and/or sexual intimacy with a significant other, or even in developing a close friendship. Also known as intimacy avoidance or even avoidance anxiety, being afraid of intimacy causes you to keep people at arm’s length when the relationship starts getting “too close.” As a result, you may begin to let relationships drop off, distance yourself, or purposefully sabotage a good relationship to keep things from progressing. Underneath the surface, you long for intimate relationships, but your fear wins out time and time again, keeping you from pursuing your true desires.
Common Fear of Intimacy Signs and Symptoms
Being afraid of intimacy can rob you of your joy and prevent you from living the healthy life you deserve. After all, we’re meant to connect with other people. If you think you may be afraid of intimacy, let’s take a look at some of the main fear of intimacy signs to watch out for:
Signs You’re Afraid of Intimacy
- Trust issues
- Poor self-confidence or low self-esteem
- Difficulty expressing your feelings
- Serial dating
- Preferring casual sex over close, intimate relationships
- A history of pushing people away
- A history of relationship instability
- Not communicating in your relationships
- The inability to share what you need from others
- Little to no relationship history
- Difficulty with physical contact
- Perfectionist tendencies (especially in relationships)
- Intentionally keeping conversations surface-level
- Fearing commitment
- Episodic anger
- Being drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable
- Intentional self-isolation
Why Are You Afraid of Intimacy?
After reading the above fear of intimacy symptoms, the fog—or denial—you’ve been living under may be starting to lift. Now you could wonder how you arrived at this crossroads. What drove you to be afraid of intimacy?
For many, the root causes of intimacy avoidance stem back to your childhood. Often, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) such as sexual abuse and parental neglect can be the culprit of your fear of intimacy, shares Healthline.com. This fear of intimacy can also be the result of other fears, including:
- Fear of Abandonment: Fearing someone will abandon or leave you
- Fear of Engulfment: Fear of being controlled or dominated in a relationship
- Fear of Rejection: Fear of being rejected or socially excluded by others
These fears above—like other intimacy disorders such as codependency, porn addiction, and sex addiction—are rooted in past trauma. The trauma you’ve personally experienced, either as a child, teenager or an adult, can drive you to have phobias like the above. Because of your trauma, you may struggle with attachment disorders in adulthood, such as anxious-avoidant attachment, that heighten your intimacy struggles. And unless that trauma is addressed, its impact can continue to manifest in the form of fear of intimacy and beyond.
The Long-Term Impact of Intimacy Avoidance
While it may feel comfortable now to keep others at bay, your tendency to be afraid of intimacy can lead to some long-term consequences that only make your situation worse. As you consciously drive others away, you can end up isolating yourself socially. As your social isolation persists, you can face a number of new struggles, such as loneliness, anxiety, and depression. And when you try to reconnect with others, these struggles—like your fear of intimacy—will get in the way of the natural community you need.
As these struggles pile up, you may seek out unhealthy coping mechanisms to self-medicate. Some people who deal with fear of intimacy may eventually develop substance abuse issues with drugs or alcohol, for example. Others can actually develop a hypersexual disorder or sexual addiction as a result of being afraid of intimacy. While sex and short-term flings may make you feel better in the moment, soon your brain develops a chemical dependency on the dopamine sex generates, and your sexual behavior becomes compulsive and uncontrollable.
Seeing the Signs of Fear of Intimacy? Get Help
If you think you may be noticing signs that you’re afraid of intimacy, you can overcome your fears. But you’ll need help to do so. That’s why it’s best to partner with a therapist or professional treatment center. At Integrative Life Center in Nashville, TN, our compassionate team can uncover the root causes of your intimacy avoidance and help you learn to cultivate healthy intimacy without fear getting in the way. Contact us today to learn more about our fear of intimacy treatment program.
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source https://integrativelifecenter.com/intimacy-disorders/afraid-of-intimacy-here-are-the-signs/