Sex After Sexual Sobriety: Advice for a Recovering Addict

Is it possible to have healthy sex after sexual sobriety? What does sober sex even look like? Those questions may be on your mind as you navigate your sexual addiction recovery and begin to think about your life back in the real world. 

For some, the thought of becoming sexually sober may feel out of reach right now. After all, it may seem hard to separate sex from the sex addiction that for many has derailed their lives up to this point. But it’s important to know that you can achieve a healthy, sober sex life in recovery. 

Abstinence or Sex After Sexual Sobriety?

The end goal of sex addiction recovery doesn’t work the same as drug or alcohol addiction. While you know you want to stop using cocaine for good if you’re in cocaine addiction treatment, you’re not necessarily aiming for a life of celibacy if you’re a recovering sex addict. 

However, many sex addiction programs can require you to maintain sexual abstinence (including masturbation) for a period of time while in treatment. Only temporary, this abstinence may last for a period of 30 to 90 days or longer. You could be in this phase right now. 

Abstinence, though difficult, can be very beneficial in this stage as it allows you to gain valuable perspective on your sex addiction. Working alongside a CSAT therapist, you’re able to identify your problematic sexual urges, activities, and behaviors, as well as the triggers that cause you to pursue your sexual addiction. 

Abstinence during sex addiction treatment gives you the space you need to heal. However, it is not the ultimate goal of sex addiction recovery. You’re human, after all, so saying farewell to sex for good isn’t healthy. Instead, your goal is to learn how to remove your unhealthy sexual behaviors and cultivate healthy sexual intimacy. Therefore, healthy sex after sexual sobriety is a perfectly desirable outcome in the recovery process. Sober sex isn’t something you should expect to accomplish overnight, but you can get there eventually with the right effort. 

Prioritizing Non-Sexual Intimacy 

Part of the journey toward a sexually sober lifestyle includes learning how to cultivate healthy non-sexual intimacy with others, including your partner, family members, friends, and even yourself. This often should be prioritized first as you work towards sex after sexual sobriety. In fact, learning how to have healthy emotional intimacy with others is a foundational skill for sober sex. It helps you begin to understand how to build healthy sexual intimacy with your partner or spouse—without the pressures, intensity, and compulsivity associated with sex addiction. 

Sex After Sexual Sobriety: Defining Sober Sex and Establishing Boundaries

Because sexual sobriety doesn’t mean long-term abstinence, defining sober sex can be a bit of a moving target. It often looks different for different people, and likely will change as you navigate your recovery. Since sexual sobriety—like hypersexual disorder—is a highly individualized experience, it’s important to come up with a specific definition of sexual sobriety for your own life, and create some healthy boundaries that can help you stick to it. 

A clear definition of sobriety is always the better option, as it’s easier to follow. With that said, many recovering sex addicts will seek help from their therapist or recovery support team to complete this step, usually in the form of a “contract” or written recovery plan. This plan usually consists of three defined tiers:

• The Inner Boundary: The buck stops here if you want to stay sexually sober. These are the specific problematic sexual behaviors that you wish to avoid, such as paying for sex, watching porn, going to strip clubs, engaging in infidelity, etc. 
• The Middle Boundary: This includes triggering situations and warning signs that may lead to inner boundary behaviors, including specific people, places, or activities. Examples could be using the computer late at night, poor self-care, and overworking. 
• The Outer Boundary: This boundary is where you want to be long-term. It includes the behaviors and characteristics that reflect a sexually sober lifestyle, such as personal hobbies, exercise, spending more time with family, and self-care practices. 

 

This sexual sobriety plan can be especially helpful to keep you accountable. When faced with future sexual triggers and challenges, having this plan in place can help you stay the course in your recovery without sex or porn relapse. 

What Healthy Intimacy Looks Like for the Sexually Sober

Part of pursuing healthy sex after sexual sobriety is building healthy intimacy with your partner or spouse. However, with sex addiction pulling the strings of your life for so long, it may be hard to know what that looks like in a sober day-to-day life. According to VerywellMind.com, here are some key traits that are important to have in a sexually sober relationship:

• Mutual well-being: Instead of shame, compulsivity, and disconnection, sex between you and your partner creates feelings of affirmation, connection, and safety. 
• Emotional vulnerability: Rather than using sex to hide, you and your partner embrace being vulnerable with one another and share your feelings honestly. 
• Non-genital pleasure: Finding intimate, sensual pleasure is about more than just having sex. You can nurture your sexual desires in other ways, including taking a bath together, cuddling on the couch, or dancing. 
• Healthy coping skills: When challenges, stress, or disappointment arise, you don’t have to resort to sex to find relief. Instead, you can both cope together in healthier ways, such as exercising, meditating, or socializing with others. 
• Trust: You and your partner can feel safe with one another and honor boundaries as you navigate each stage of your relationship. This may take time to achieve, especially if your partner has experienced betrayal trauma due to your addiction.  

Pursuing Sex Addiction Recovery? We Can Help

Remember, healthy sex after sexual sobriety is possible. And the addiction-free life you deserve is attainable with effort and intentionality. If you need professional assistance along your recovery journey, our intimacy disorder treatment program can help at Integrative Life Center. Whether it’s intensive outpatient care or aftercare options, we provide multiple resources to help you stay sexually sober. To learn more, contact us today.

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