Building Relationships: The 5 Levels of Intimacy

It’s common to think about romantic relationships or sex when you hear the word “intimacy.” But there are actually multiple types or forms of intimacy out there—and we need them all to thrive. One of the main forms of intimacy we can experience in any type of relationship—no matter if it’s a family member, friend, coworker, neighbor, or romantic partner—is emotional intimacy. And within emotional intimacy, there are actually five levels of intimacy that define the depth of relationship you have with someone. 

Understanding Emotional Intimacy

If you ever wanted to gauge your relationship, just take a look at emotional intimacy. According to the Centre for Emotional Education, emotional intimacy is the “shared experience of disclosing thoughts and feelings between two people while feeling free to be who you really are and accepted as you really are.” This involves:

• Self-awareness
• Establishing trust
• Creating emotional safety
• Having a non-judgmental attitude
• Acceptance
• Displaying empathy and vulnerability

 

When you have this level of intimacy with someone, you have a deep sense of connection and trust together. This allows you to share your thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities that you wouldn’t just share with anyone. This type of secure relationship takes time and effort to cultivate, but you ultimately will feel seen, heard, and valued by that person. As a result, you have a strong, meaningful relationship that can endure for decades. 

Unpacking the 5 Levels of Intimacy in Relationships

Relationships don’t start out deep. It takes time to cultivate that connection that motivates you to strengthen your relationships further. Within emotional intimacy, the five levels of intimacy provide a spectrum of connection you move through together as you build your relationship. As the levels progress, more vulnerability and trust are required.

Level 1: Surface-Level Communication

Ever heard of small talk? All relationships start out at this level, exhibiting safe forms of communication that require little to no vulnerability. You likely engage in this level of intimacy at networking events, a party where you don’t know people, or when you’re chatting with someone on the subway. These casual and factual conversations may lead with questions like:

• Where did you move here from?
• Did you enjoy the weather last weekend?
• What do you do for work?
• Who are you rooting for in the Super Bowl?

Level 2: Opinions and Personal Views

Moving along the levels of intimacy, you start to share your opinions and beliefs at this stage. However, you’re likely doing so with caution in order to protect yourself from judgment or conflict. You still don’t know the other person well, after all. This helps you assess the other person better so you can gauge how they feel about something more personal to you. Your level of risk and vulnerability is minimal as your communication remains conservative.

Level 3: Desires and Dreams

Among the levels of intimacy in a relationship, this is when the other person has begun to be seen on friendlier terms. You’re now sharing your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and desires. Because these things are personal, you’re more vulnerable to rejection. However, as you share, you become more confident about your relationship when these vulnerabilities are received well—and reciprocated by the other person. 

Level 4: Feelings and Fears

Emotional intimacy is really starting to grow at this stage. You’re comfortable enough to share your deeper feelings, emotions, fears, and insecurities without judgment from the other person. Within the 5 levels of intimacy, this is the first that requires true vulnerability, because once these things have been shared, they can’t be taken back. 

Level 5: Real Emotional Intimacy

Marked by unconditional support and security, you trust and understand the other person fully. Because of your deep emotional connection, you can share your innermost vulnerabilities, emotions, and struggles without fear or concern.

What If You Can’t Develop the Deeper Levels of Intimacy in Relationships? 

As you’re looking at these levels of intimacy, what if you don’t have any relationships that are in the fifth level? If you don’t have deep relationships like these, you may be struggling with an intimacy disorder such as fear of intimacy. 

When you’re afraid of intimacy, it’s incredibly difficult to be vulnerable with others. You’re worried about getting too close to someone else emotionally and/or physically. Consequently, you can’t be your true self around other people. Eventually, you may start purposefully avoiding social situations, leading to isolation from others. 

If you can relate, you’re probably wondering how it all came to this. Believe it or not, your intimacy fears are likely rooted in unresolved past trauma—even adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). That means, in order to establish the deep, healthy relationships you deserve, you need to heal your past trauma.

Overcome Intimacy Disorders at Integrative Life Center

By working through the 5 levels of intimacy, you can develop strong, lasting relationships. But if intimacy fears are holding you back, we’re here for you at Integrative Life Center in Nashville, TN. Utilizing personalized, trauma-informed care, our fear of intimacy treatment program can help you heal the root traumas driving your struggles and learn to find true connection with others. To learn more, contact us today. 

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