Understanding Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy is a natural part of life. When we’re intimate with others, we form meaningful connections and relationships. However, for some, the thought of intimacy with others is downright scary. If that’s you, it’s probably easy for you to push others away and maintain surface-level relationships. This helps you feel like you’re in control, after all. But deep down, you know that your fear of intimacy is holding you back from the life you truly want.

According to Psychology Today, about 17% of adults in Western cultures struggle with fear of intimacy and avoiding closeness in relationships. Your fear or phobia of intimacy is likely rooted in trauma or other fears. But if you’re scared of intimacy, that doesn’t mean your lot in life is to be a loner—as long as you’re willing to put in the work to learn how to overcome fear of intimacy. 

What is Fear of Intimacy?

Simply put, fear of intimacy is when you’re afraid to have close relationships with others. When you’re scared of intimacy, you put up metaphorical walls around you that prevent you from forming lasting bonds. These walls keep you from being emotionally vulnerable with anyone. 

But here’s the real kicker: even though you’re scared of intimacy with others, you actually desire that intimate connection with people—yet sadly, your fears prevent your desires from being realized. These fears run deep and are used as a defense mechanism to keep you from perceived hurt or danger. You’d rather not try at all than face possible rejection.

However, your fear of intimacy hurts you in the long run. You can probably think of multiple relationships you’ve purposely sabotaged because you thought they were getting too close, for example. It’s also likely that your fears have kept you locked in a box where you’re unable to fully be yourself around other people, so you feel alone and misunderstood. 

The intimacy you may fear will vary from others. There are multiple types of intimacy you could be afraid of—and ultimately long for, including:

• Physical or sexual intimacy
• Intellectual intimacy 
• Emotional intimacy
• Spiritual intimacy
• Experiential intimacy

Typical Fear of Intimacy Signs and Symptoms

If you think you or someone you love may have a phobia of intimacy, it’s important to understand that this condition doesn’t just affect people in relationships. Single people can just as easily fear intimacy with friends and family members. With that said, typical fear of intimacy signs and symptoms may include: 

• Avoiding physical or sexual contact
• Lack of self-confidence
• Debilitating trust issues
• Dating several people in a short window of time
• Avoiding communication in your relationship
• Struggles to express your feelings
• Sabotaging relationships
• A history of no relationships at all (or very short ones)
• Obsession with people’s views of you, to the point of perfectionism

 What Causes You to Be Scared of Intimacy? 

It’s fair to wonder where your fear of intimacy originated. And for most people, the answer is rooted in trauma. This trauma could be associated with emotional neglect, verbal and physical abuse, lack of parental guidance, relational conflict, or even adverse childhood experiences like divorce, the loss of a parent, or bullying. Carrying this trauma throughout your life can lead to an intimacy phobia in some people. While trauma is often the underlying cause of this phobia, other factors can lead to fear of intimacy, such as: 

• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of rejection
• Low self-esteem
• Lack of communication in a relationship
• Depression and anxiety

The Connection Between Fear of Intimacy and Sex Addiction

While some people who are afraid of intimacy can struggle with love avoidance in the long run, it’s possible others may end up dealing with hypersexual disorder or sexual addiction. This doesn’t happen overnight, but can gradually develop as you seek out experiences that make you feel better. For many, some of these most readily available experiences are associated with sexual pleasure—a strong generator of the feel-good chemical dopamine.

Consequently however, as you engage in sexual activities to feel better, you can begin to use them to cope with your loneliness, trauma, and other challenges. And in isolation, it gets all too easy to develop a porn addiction or masturbation addiction. Before long, you’re struggling with compulsive sexual behavior and using hypersexuality as a coping mechanism for all your challenges. 

How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy

As you grapple with the reality of your intimacy fears, you need to realize that you can overcome them. But, it will take intentionality, mindful choices, and stepping out of your comfort zone to change for the better. It may be helpful to begin with small steps, such as doing an activity with others that you’d normally do alone. You could also begin expressing your feelings to friends or family members you trust. With that said, one of the best ways to overcome your fear of intimacy is to seek professional help, especially if you’re struggling with sex addiction. 

Learn to Build Healthy Intimacy at Integrative Life Center

By partnering with professional therapists or an intimacy disorder treatment center, you can get past your fears and reclaim the healthy intimacy you deserve. At Integrative Life Center in Nashville, TN, we provide comprehensive fear of intimacy treatment for people like you looking to heal long-term. To learn more, contact our team today. 

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